I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
