I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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