It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
