I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
