Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
