He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
