Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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