i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
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