I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
