just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
