I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
