Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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