the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
