I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
