Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize