I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
