When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
