just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
