Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
