I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
