i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
