we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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