You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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