I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
