Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
