I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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