I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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