I faked an abortion last night.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
