Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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