When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
