You can't special order awesome
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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