Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
