I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
