I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
