Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
