fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
