Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
