I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
