I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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