i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
