i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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