Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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