my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
