Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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