hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
then he tried to convert me to islam
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
