Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
