I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
