i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
