if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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