The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Damn victory sex feels great
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
