My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
