can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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