I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize