I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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