I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
