At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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