my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
