I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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