I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
