How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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