the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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