apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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