Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
