you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
