M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
