I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
