can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
