I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
