Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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