I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
