Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
