glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Randomize
