Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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