I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
