he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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